This past week being in San Francisco and attending the Survivorship conference was very eye opening for me in many ways- and I would like to share some of my enlightenment in order to further glean what I can from my experiences.
First- I was exposed to a phrase that I would like to share- and that is Survivor Responsibility; when survivor guilt transforms from our own healing experience into a sense of responsibility to other victims at the point where one is able to evolve enough in their healing to try and do something to stop all of this from happening to others in the future. In the process, one finds that their issues grow from a personal experience to something greater than the person- compelling them to go beyond their own comfort zone to try and help others from being hurt. Life is greater than any of us- and therefore, I have realized once again that some things are worth defending, even at the risk of life and limb.
Secondly, I have realized once again that healing is a process that flows on ebb and tide, and that I will probably never be done growing and learning about myself. The closer we get- the harder it is, as parts of us must burn away in order for us to rise as a phoenix in the context of our own lives. However, for survivors, that means facing and confronting the CHAOS PROGRAMMING that is within us. I had forgotten this until recently, and would like to talk a bit about it to explain what I am speaking of.
We are all programmed. We are programmed to use the toilet- we are programmed to wash our hands afterwards. The social morays in our culture program us and let us know what is socially acceptable or not- and very few of us have the capacity to escape from those rules for any amount of time before we begin to reap the repercussions of making others uncomfortable from breaking away from the norm. The military uses boot camp to indoctrinate soldiers into being able to take and follow orders, programming them to be “all that they can be”. Programming happens naturally with all of us, on whatever level our social cast will allow, so believing that the military has taken this to new levels trying to make “super soldiers” is not so implausible. Child soldiering has been going on since the beginning of time, and the United States has a history to doing whatever it can to win the cold war we were once in, so considering the truth of which I speak is not so hard anymore when you think back on the history of corruption that has lead us to where we are now as a nation.
Chaos programming is part of the spin program, where they spin you around to the point of nausea and beyond- training a victim to feel out of control when they try to break the conditioning that is being imposed on them. For a survivor- this causes them to feel disoriented and disconnected any time they try to break free from the conditioning that has been imposed upon us. Stimulating the adrenaline of the fight or flight response, most survivors withdraw as a result, going back to their comfort zone- resulting in a stagnation that becomes overwhelming after a while. Unable to grow because of fear, many survivors are so afraid of being triggered that they can’t fully enjoy the world around them. I have been guilty of this same thing throughout my life, however, I reached a point years ago where I began to sense there was something greater than me in all of this- which helped me put my fear aside enough to try and face the chaos that has always been a part of my psych since I can remember.
I have been asked many times why I believe that the “official” stories and victims of Franklin Credit are bogus- and this is why. Their stories are nothing but chaos. Completely unbelievable, many who involve themselves in investigating all of this soon leave; as it leaves most with an icky chaotic feeling as nothing about the official stories make sense when looked at with a critical eye. For survivors, this is even worse- as we already have all a fear of chaos- so, in essence, the stories surrounding Franklin Credit do nothing but scare survivors from coming forward. Promising breakthroughs that have yet to transpire- even after 30 years, it is my desire to take the focus away from these hurricanes of disinformation and rather refocus on the prime elements that made this whole mess possible. It is not in the individuals that the truth is to be found, but rather in the system itself. However- battling the system is kind of like David and Goliath, which brings me to my last point.
As a practicing Shaman, I believe that the kingdom of Heaven is within all of us, and it is our responsibility to go within and name the demons within all of us in order to free ourselves from the chains that bind us. Every one of us has issues, and despite where any of us are on the spectrum of life’s experience, we all have things that we have to face within ourselves. That means that each of us needs to become comfortable with “dancing with the devil” so to speak. It has been my personal experience that life’s lessons are generally learned in the trenches, not on safe mountaintops, and fear only gets in the way of progress. Survivors, in my opinion, spend an inordinate amount of time desperately trying to control the world around them in order to feel safe, disregarding the fact that true strength comes from within, and it is not in dictating the world’s events around me that makes me safe, but rather how I adapt to those events. “Know yourself, control yourself, and give freely of your time and energy”, is as true today as ever. The only thing that I can control is me, and I still have miles to travel in my personal transformation.
I think it was experiencing the eclipse of the sun this past weekend that really opened my heart- as I discovered that as much as the dark wants to take over, it results in the light becoming more intense. God is with me always- as is the whole of the Universe; I carry it within me, and so therefore no one can take it from me. The darker it seems, the brighter it is- that has been a constant in my life’s experiences and so I choose to trust in that above all else. For those of you who have expressed concern for me- I ask that you trust in God- for no one- not even me- can thwart the will of Heaven. As I spoke about in my speech this weekend- they only picked the best and the brightest of us, which is why I felt a need to write this morning- for what may be true for me might be true for some of you as well. It was my council- which I would be lost without- that has helped me reach this point of introspection, and I wanted to share it with others in order to hear what some of you have to say about it. Our voice is louder in numbers, and stronger when unified, and mine cannot be the only one or chaos will ensue. Only through “We as the People” will we be able to effectively change the Systems that Satan once offered to Jesus. It is through us that God will work miracles, if only we will choose to be fearless enough to allow that to happen.
And that is my soapbox rant for the day.