The Rage of Victimization…

It is my opinion that one of the things survivors are afraid of the most is the absolute rage that dwells within all of us. Having been objectified and used at will by others, we have a sense of brokenness that often times borders on a loss so great that it is barely palatable, and it is difficult to differentiate that pain from the rest of our daily lives. I have tried to bury my anger deep down in order to keep from dealing with it, only to have it permeate my life in other ways that are often uncontrollable. If I am not turning that anger outward onto others, I am directing it within- where it acts like a cancer eating at my soul. The absolute lack of justice surrounding my past fuels my passion, and I must admit that there are days that I get so worked up that I feel that I want to implode.

As a child, I was taught to squelch my emotions and accept what was being done to me. The utter humiliation and shame that surrounded my abuse kept me silent well into my adulthood. However, we are emotional beings, and are often guided by our feelings, which are built on the recesses of our past life experiences, and I am no exception. The despair that I often feel jades the way I look at life, and therefore clouds my filters that help me perceive the world around me- helping to feed my anger regarding the apathy that I have experienced trying to achieve justice for unspeakable crimes against children and humanity. The lack of justice surrounding my past is incredibly hard to deal with at times, and I find that my irritation, although a motivating force for action, is not healthy, nor helpful with regards to what I am trying to achieve.

It has been my experience that the only way to get away from the rage is to go into it and through it so that one can transform the feeling so that a sense of serenity can be achieved. However, embracing such a negative aspect of the human condition is impossible without a sense of faith of something larger and more complete than ourselves. Call it Nature; God, a Higher Power, or the Great Spirit- having a sense of something greater than ourselves is imperative when working through this process. Embracing our anger is necessary for us in that it is part of our identity that we will never be able to escape, but releasing that emotion is just as important- and is perhaps the harder of the two in the scope of things. Without a macro perception of life, which is what the Spirit provides, dealing with the intimate details of our abuse is impossible. Without someone or something to give it to- it is way too easy for our anger to turn to shame that eventually tears viciously at the fabric of our very reality. It is my shame that fuels my anger, and it has only been through God that my efforts of transformation and release have been possible, as it is in the letting go that God provides that has allowed me to deal with the anguish I feel, not only just about my past, but my present as well.

My point is that we, as survivors, must stop being so afraid of the anger that we feel inside for the world that betrayed us as children. Without an honest sense of that factor in our lives, it makes it too easy to misdirect those emotions into unconscious actions that help to form the world around us. We ARE ANGRY- so what? We have EVERY REASON TO FEEL THIS WAY!! What we feel is normal- what we do with that energy when we deny it oftentimes is not. Know yourself, control yourself, and give freely of your time and energy is a mantra of mine- and understanding and compassionately embracing our feelings- however ugly and powerful they may seem, is necessary to lead a healthy and fruitful existence. However, along with this process one must also do the spiritual work, for was it not our spirit that they tried to kill in the first place? Embracing a higher power doesn’t make this violation acceptable, but it helps in allowing us to release it so we don’t have to be controlled by our victimization either. It is only through this consciousness that I believe we will be able to allow ourselves to feel our anger so that we can temper it and redirect it in a way that is more conductive to our healing process.

One thing I am doing to encourage this in my life is dealing with the way I speak- not only to others but, more importantly, to myself. Having heard of a mode of communication called NVC- which stands for Non Violent Communication, I am anxious to see if I might be able to apply this compassionate way of expressing my needs in such a way that I am able to better understand not only others, but myself as well. What we say is a reflection of what we think and feel, and I am hoping that this new way of speaking will help me redefine the way I view the world around me. After all- it is ALWAYS a process, and the only thing that is constant is change. Will it change the fact that the world doesn’t seem to care about what happened here in Omaha? Probably not, but it might allow me to work through my anger at the apathy in order to reach a point of compassion, not only for myself, but for those who are obviously just too busy to care. The only thing I can control is myself, and this new study into peaceful communication might just be the thing I need in my life to help me embrace my destiny while allowing me to release those things that are not helpful or healthy. As always, we shall see…

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