It is difficult for me to look back at my past- for a myriad of reasons, but mainly because the patterns that were instilled in me as a child have just kept repeating themselves throughout my life. Old loops of my father run in my head- and funny enough if I didn’t recreate that in my marriage.

My father was a harsh man- and would spend much of his time saying terrible and biting things in the form of humor to degrade the person that he was talking too. Never good enough- my father had a way of picking out everything that I was unsure of about myself and then would harp on how it made me less than dirt. Today- two decades later- I realized that I repeated that in the form of my husband- who is much the same way. This makes me sad beyond belief- in that I wonder if there is any hope of happiness for me.

We do what we know. We know what we are taught. And the lessons that we learn generally stem from the experiences that we had as children. Despising me for the advocacy work I have been involved with- I was often chastised for offering my life up to a bunch of strangers that I didn’t know nor would I probably ever. Hating me for the life decisions I have made- I have lived for far too long under the shadow of my father, who tried to teach me that I was less than worthless. I choose to do the advocacy work because I was called by God to do so. If that means that I must give up everything I know in the process- then so be it. I am just sad that the one I must sacrifice is the one I love the most. I will miss the man I believed was my soul mate.

What I went through was horrific but what I do is not because of me- but because I have come to realize that my past is some people’s present- and will be even more persons future if something is not done. I equate it like this- I was in a warehouse of horror and somehow I got out. The question then became- do I keep running or do I go back in and try to help others escape? I chose the latter, and as such- my life has fallen apart accordingly.

My other half does not understand why I have made the choices that I have in my life. To be honest- sometimes I have the same questions. I just think that one life is not that much to offer up to God- and so I am going to do what I can to try and change the world around me rather than just accept the things that desperately need changing. I can’t live with the complacency that most have with the world around us- and I will no longer be bound by the apathy that many show regarding all of this.

So my commitment remains strong- and I will do the best to try and break the cycles of destruction that has been such a part of my life in order to prevent myself from repeating them in the future. This is babble I know- but I figure this is my blog- and so I will speak about what is meaningful to me now- instead of trying to please others- which I seem to be an abject failure at.