Divorce is hard, esp. when one doesn’t want it and the other does. Hitting right at the holidays- it has made it even harder, knowing that the one I love has nothing but contempt for me. My heart is broken- and in many ways I am lost in the “what if’s” and “what could have been” rather than what is- which is that he has cut all contact off and has for many weeks now. Asked why I would want someone who has little to no integrity or compassion with regards for me- I simply say that I love him. Always have and probably always will. He blames me- and for the most part- I do as well.

As far as the advocacy work- I have been asked if I am going to continue on it. I no longer have Mike after me to drop it- but knowing that it was this work that destroyed the love of my life is not something I am apt to pick up again. I have lost everything trying to do what I have- and now- well- looking from the bottom up- I am not sure that I wish to allow myself to be consumed by the darkness of my past any longer. Believing in God- and that God will take care of what I cannot- and I no longer want to feel like I am on this battlefield alone.

I don’t know what I am going to do at this point. For the most part- life as I have known it is over and I came away from it emotionally shattered with my heart broken in a million pieces. Knowing that my other half doesn’t care about me in the least- makes it all that much worse, and maybe he is right- that I am totally unlovable and worthless. I certainly feel that way. So anyway- I am going to take a break from all of this and see where I land.