An Admission of Making So Many Mistakes that It Makes My Heart Heavy

After reading the full correspondence between my ex and my sister on Facebook- I realize that he did not realize what was going on and was lead to believe I was actually drunk. He DID NOT help to push me over the edge like I have suggested- and now that I am coming back into some semblance of normalcy, realize that he was right in that I have made him out to be a monster- and it has been wrong.

Break ups are a hard thing- and to be honest- this is my first all the way around. Never believing that I would be getting a divorce- I am constantly reminded of the night we first met when I thought that I would spend the rest of my life with him. The love between us as been so strong and for so long that the loss of it is almost incomprehensible to me. I have experienced a pain I have never before encountered- getting dumped and cut off from all communication, and it has brought me to my knees- and almost killed me with my own hand. All I have known and loved in my other half has been taken away- and though it might not have been intentional- I feel like I was taken into the woods and let out of the car like some unwanted pet and compounded with the severe abandonment issues that I have- well- this whole past month has been one hellish roller coaster ride. I lost my partner and best friend- it has been intense.

My other half- who I consider my other half anyway- has had it rough- and even now it is being said to him that I am mentally ill and that he should get away from me as fast as he can. I can’t argue this point- as you can’t go through what I have gone through without having severe scars in the process, and it Is true that I have enveloped myself into the dark side of my past in order to constantly fight a futile battle against forces I have no influence over. It was the advocacy work that distanced us the most- and it is this that I am totally regretting- as I never meant to ignore or dismiss the feelings that were being presented against my work by my partner- although that is exactly what I have done. I felt that what I have been lead to do was right and that I have been allowing myself to be directed by God- but I doubt that Heaven had any intention of me hurting the one that I absolutely love the most.

I have been wrong and over reacting in so many ways- but in my defense- much of this could have been avoided through honest communication. However, I was in such a reactionary mode- that I don’t think that was even possible. I was beyond hurt and did not react well nor appropriately. I am humiliated by my own actions and I am so sorry I put Michael through what I did.

I am returning and staying in Omaha. Throughout this- I thought that I would find myself out and about- when what I needed was to appreciate what I have right here at home. Working intently on not only my second book- I have come to realize that my whole support system is right here in the Midwest, and esp. now- I need that support more than ever. Life is changing drastically, and no matter what happens with this whole break up stuff- I have come to realize what is really in my heart- and that I need to start living rather than just existing on the darkness and anger of my past.

But again- let me reiterate that I was COMPLETELY wrong about Michael- and I just want people to know that. The drama that has been instigated by many people around me have taught me that the best thing to do in a break up is not get others involved- as they only add more distraction and EVERYONE has an opinion. Michael is one of the finest , most upstanding individuals that I know of, and I was totally off base in thinking that he wanted me gone for any other reason than I make him totally unhappy and life is too short. Making a commitment to not only Michael but to God- I have also realized that for this time around- he will also be my one and only. I wish him only the best- and I am so sorry for the humiliation that I have brought him in my anger of having him leave me. I was wrong in suggesting anything other than Michael is one of the best people I have ever met- and though he has flaws like us all, he is great- and that this why it is so hard to lose him. He isn’t my end all be all- but he will, forever, be my one and only.

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