Before I was born, my parents sold me to the American government to be a subject in the MKUltra program. Originating from Project Paperclip, when our government brought Nazi scientists from Germany to the United States in 1946, the MKUltra project was a continuation of what happened in the concentration camps during World War II; brainwashing and torturing children in order to ascertain what psychic abilities they were capable of. My torture and training began the day I took my first breath.

Electric shock, sleep and sensory deprivation, drowning, and being drugged were some of my first memories as a child, only to have rape, severe beatings, being buried alive, and murdering other children added later on. I was never exposed to the comforts afforded most children as love was never part of the paradigm. Fight or flight was instilled in me from the beginning, and I found life to be a “kill or be killed” situation.

A “game” would often be played with me as a child where I was encouraged to pray to God while I was being beaten, assured that the torture would stop the second God showed up. He never did. As a result, I spent many years later angry with God, which was probably the intended result.

Psychic ability was expected in my training, and I was taught to look into people’s minds to ascertain what they were hiding. Beginning with eavesdropping, eventually people were placed in adjoining rooms where I had to guess their thoughts and feelings. Incorrect answers always resulted in torture. Later I learned that this was called “remote viewing”, where the subject was able to see and experience events without being physically present, but as a child I thought it was magic.

Eventually I was forced to kill other children in rituals that could only be considered satanic. Raised to be a psychopath, I acted as if I enjoyed this in order to stave off my own abuse. Although I had no choice but to do what I was told, nonetheless I had severe issues with survivor guilt when I reached adulthood. With no one to tell and trusting no one, I spent much of my life isolated by my own living nightmares.

Angry at God and the world as I was, I still could not escape the hope that someday I would find healing. I spent much of my life pleading with God, trying to ascertain why I had been put in such a horrible situation; often yelling, sometimes crying, but always heartbroken.

The abilities that I garnered from my training only intensified with age and, try as I might, I could not shut them off. Feeling as if I was abhorrent in the eyes of God, I hid myself away to curb what was happening to me, convinced I was somehow evil. One would think that such abilities would make me feel powerful but just the opposite was true. Believing I was unnatural and flawed, I spent much of my young life afraid and hating myself.

Eventually I decided to seek therapy. Hoping I would be deemed crazy, which would somehow let me off the hook, I told my therapist everything. Listening patiently and never judging, after several sessions she recommended that I try to control my abilities rather than fight with shutting them down. Suggesting that I learn about shamanism, I was told this spiritual practice might offer me the answers I had been so desperately searching for.

Shamanism is well known as a Native American practice but I eventually learned that it is actually the first spiritual practice of mankind. Found throughout many cultures, it is a way to connect and interact with the energies of the Universe to inspire healing and regeneration and it was through this spiritual process that I eventually formed a loving relationship with God.
Although God didn’t stop my torture, I discovered it was God who gave me the strength to endure it. Allowing me to be trained as I was, I believe that it was Heaven’s design to make me into a warrior. My abilities, although forged in hell, still stemmed from God; and I came to see that Heaven expected me to become a light bearer. Faced with evil at the beginning of my life, it was God who helped me eventually maneuver myself into a place where Heaven’s light shown brightest; within me.

I am not alone as an MKUltra survivor as there are a great many people who survived what I did, my three older sibling being an example. Struggling just as I have, it seems overcoming our childhood history has been just as hard as going through it. Many didn’t survive the training and even more succumbed to self-destructive behaviors afterwards. Both my older sister and brother are now dead as a result. However, there are plenty of us who survived what was done to us. Finding ourselves in hell as children, we each have had to fight to find our way into the light.

I have learned that God is everywhere and in everything and can even be found in the darkness. What we went through as children I now call “God’s training camp”, as it made each of us stronger and more formidable as adults. Heaven saved each of us so that we could all become God’s champions, leading mankind into a time of miracles.

This time is now, so we survivors must shake off the fear of what was done to us and embrace the abilities that derived from it. God is with all of us now and always has been; it is this reason alone we survived. Able to herald in a Heaven on earth, we each have unique abilities to shine the light and love within us outward. It is our destiny that can no longer be denied, so rise and shine and embrace the miracles and love of God. In doing so, we will effectively change the world for the better.