There is nothing like grief and despair to rip the veils from our faces in order that we see ourselves as we are burned in the flames of the experience of loss. I have had to take a good hard look at myself in the past month- and have come to certain conclusions that have inspired me to change my mode of thinking and modems of behavior.

First of all, I am getting ready to write a last hoorah were I am going to summarize my entire investigation in one paper which will be published in Ron Patton’s Paranoia Magainze for the winter issue. I call it my last hoorah because this will be the end of the investigative part of my advocacy work. For too long have I been enveloped in the darkness of my past- and the fact that I have not laughed in years is telling of the effect that it has had on me. Instead I am focusing on the healing and surviving aspect of the whole advocacy movement- as I believe that is the only direction that is healthy and lightbearing in this whole mess. I have existed in the misery of my past for too long- and though there are plenty of people who care (who I suggest pick up Paranoia when it is published), I have lost all that I hold dear- and it is time that I restructure my life with more love and light.

I will not be leaving the advocacy work- as I have found that it is this that is my end all be all. Helping my fellow man is just part of my nature- but I must redefine my role and focus more on the light and hope than the darkness that I think God will take care of in the end anyway.

I am also going to be focusing on my art and writing- as I am working on a second book right now that will focus on the hope and light of what I went through rather than the ugliness that many people seem to crave. I need to start living- and that is what I intend to do from now on.

Many of you have reached out to me in my hour of need- and I can’t begin to tell you all how grateful I am for that. If it had not been for many of you- I would have lost hope- but instead I was given a new perspective on what I have achieved with helping people deal with their own issues like mine. It was all of you that convinced me not to leave the advocacy work- but rather redirect it into something positive. You guys saved my life- and renewed my faith and I just wanted to say thank you!