Every year about this time I try to look back and try to see the accomplishments of the year before and try to project what the next year will be like. This year has been much rougher than previous ones, and I have been brought to my knees more than once- but I can’t escape the feeling that next year is ripe with possibilities and that the destruction of my old life has opened me up to new and much better times ahead.
Starting to go through a divorce this year has made me revisit all of the abandonment issues that I have buried for so long, and has made me take a good hard look at how scared I have been all of my life. Settling for less, I did so because I was afraid of being alone- of being on my own- and thus I sold out my happiness for a safety net that was less than what I needed- or deserved. It is strange how a person such as myself can simply exist without living- and the depression that I felt being constantly berated by someone who neither appreciated nor loved me is something I hope to never put myself through again. The grief and despair that I have felt recently has shown me that, although I have done my best to suppress my fear- I have been living with it for far too long- and it has keep me from really living.
Life can be crazy- and the advocacy work that I have done I have questioned the validity of more than once. However- whereas the “friends” that I had left me to die after I tried something stupid- it has been the people that I have fought for years to help that rose to the occasion and did their best to help support me through this last December- when I was dumped and abandoned by my husband of 20 years. I discovered the strength and compassion of those I have been fighting for- and honestly I would not have been able to pull through what I have without my group of steadfast supporters. Calling with support and encouragement, I have found a whole new value in the survivor movement- and I can’t express enough thanks for those who reached out with concern as I traveled a road through hell this past month.
Much of this past year is completely overshadowed by this last month- but there HAVE been accomplishments on my part nonetheless. I have started work on a second book about spirituality and surviving- and I found that even at my lowest moment- I was able to write an article for Paranoia Magazine- showing me the work ethic I have that has long been denied by my other half. Reaching out to survivors and the general public- I have come to the conclusion that in my despair- doing something I truly believe in helps a great deal- and was pretty much a lifesaver this past Christmas. I owe Ron Patton- publisher of Paranoia Magazine- a huge thanks for his patience as he waited for my article- and it was in writing “Child Trafficking and Governmental Mind Control in the Heartland: My Cost of Child Advocacy” that allowed me to escape my emotional turmoil by looking back at the past 8 years I have been at this and seeing in black and white what I have experienced in my quest for exposing the truth. About 6,000 words in length- it details the people associated with my plight and the things that I have gone through trying to accomplish what I have, and describes some of the people that I have come into contact with since writing “Rabbit Hole: A Satanic Ritual Abuse Survivor’s Story”.
Some of what has happened this year has had nothing to do with me- but in fact had to deal with others work and what they accomplished. Edward Snowden showed the public how corrupt our American government really is- and it opened the eyes of people that the conspiracies that have been claimed are not so far fetched when you consider what we now know about the inner secret workings of a government long since gone rogue. Eavesdropping and such on the American public is a FACT- just as the mind control program MKUltra is a FACT, and though many focus on the satanic aspect of all of this in order to discredit the information- the real issue is that what needs to happen has nothing to do with a “witch hunt” but rather reeling in a collective band of child traffickers who are making inordinate amounts of money with their practices of child exploitation. America is not so much fighting a band of Satanists as much as a group of concentrated and well connected PEDOPHILES. We all know that child trafficking and the sexual exploitation of children has reached pandemic levels all over the world- including here in America, and this desperately needs to change.
No more will I have someone, like my ex, riding my butt trying to get me to leave the advocacy work as I have in the past- allowing me to fully dive into my work in trying to make a difference. No longer will I be told that I am big and stupid and that I would live under a bridge if left to my own devices. No longer will I have to deal with the anger and resentment of someone who neither appreciates me nor likes me. As scary as it is to be alone- this is the biggest achievement of last year- and has opened the doors to any and all possibilities for the next year. My life has changed to become one of my own making- and I hope that I can make it more worthwhile than it has been for a long time. With the support that I have had- I think that this is completely doable and I look forward to the new year with great expectations.